I am in a Constant State of Jugement
I am in a constant state of judgment. The key, I think, is to not judge about that constant state. I do not have a life where I cannot sit at my keyboard, on a fall crisp morning, wife and child, loafing and loving, Springsteen singing about John Henry, warm team by my hand. This is the life I have. This moment is where I have brought myself, every moment before in complete integrity with my current breath.
Some may know this story. Others may not.
There was a grandmother and her daughter, driving one late afternoon. The sky was clear, darkening blue with high, while clouds. The air was still warm from the sun of the day and the women had their window down as they drove back the 5 miles from the store where they had picked up the butter and cream they needed, along with some fresh corn for dinner. In the back seat of the car, there was a 14 year old girl, daughter and granddaughter. She felt unusually at peace and didn’t know why but in looking back on it it was clear that the silent wisdom of three generations under one small roof has that effect. The young one wasn’t paying particular attention but the mother and grandmother were making light conversation about things already known. The sounds were more for the comfort of being than for any need to communicate words. The young girl was gazing and daydreaming as young girls do, head against the side window, lost in harmony.
There were no skid marks.
The truck was in the women’s lane when they came over and around the curve in the road. He was travelling at 60 mph and they were travelling at 50. There were no skid marks.
There was time for both mothers to hitch their breath, quickly in. No human sound escaped before the single, crushing thud of a million pieces being shattered at the same time. The mothers were gone in the time it took to hitch their breath. The young one endured more pain before she was gone and then they were all gone. Under the high clouds, on a darkening fall afternoon, five minutes from home. There was nothing more.
Who expects to die? Silly humans. So silly. So prideful that we are the greatest, that we have problems that require us to be sad, or perplexed or to suffer without thought or recognition. That we can change the vastness of space and time; oh my lord how we have been led astray and how we lead our children the same way. Oh my, oh my…what will it take…what will it take.
What Must Be
Caring for living things
the actual
gentle
pouring
of water – considerate of what is brought and what is taken
onto thirsty flowers
We are like the dancing sparks
shot forth from the bonfire of life
wildly unpredictable
in our common certainty
of extinguishment.
Will we survive across the stars
are we survived?
Are there bonfires burning
ahead
in the darkness
My god my god my god
if you have not found your way
my god – do not stop –
my god – do not stop –
My god my god my god
if you think you have found your way
my god – do not stop
my god – do not stop
What must be
so more can see
so that I can see
so that you can see
What must be
The comfort of conflict
Do you know the essence of a thing?
The beginning and ending of things
The way that the light
Fills the air
Resting on the couch
On a human Sunday morning
Only thing moving
Is the steam
Lilting and twisting and…
Gone
All things lie in the middle
Between the ends
And between the ends
You think of as beginnings
And between the ends you don’t think of
And between those
And between those
And between
Oh my god…the pain of the balance
Oh my god.
The pain of the balance.
You cannot read this quick of heart
There is nothing here
To get to
Nothing here to answer
It’s ok to turn,
Trembling
from your love
In fact – Oh Terrible –
You must…
you must.
My best friends, most dear, most reliable
Friends
They do not change
And I am too old now
To fool myself
That it matters.
I cannot express how much I want it to matter.