A Christmas Gift

It’s her favorite season right now. She loved it so much, she had such fond memories as a child and it doesn’t matter why. I am a poor replacement for her in this right and I have to try to be gentle with myself about that fact. In my heart I can hear her saying, it’s ok…it’s ok…just remember me when you can, Damon. Just remember me when you can. Remember me to him.

Remember me to him.

I can do that, I say to myself. And I can…and I do. And I think she would be proud and I think, if she was looking down she would smile and her heart would break, at how much our hearts are broken. But, after all, what else is a heart for?

I have a feeling there are people, many lovely people…maybe you are one of them, who don’t quite know what to do with their sadness today, this season. People who still can’t really believe she is gone, who have no choice but to face the Sally that lives inside them. Isn’t it the strangest thing? She is gone from our sight and our touch, but…

Our hearts, so full of her and if we were to hear this about another, about someone who wasn’t Sally, we would think…what a beautiful, joyful thing that your heart is so full of the one who is gone. What a beautiful thing. And maybe it is. Maybe it is a beautiful thing but if it’s beautiful it’s also confusing and devastating, world blowing, deafening, defeating…to have her so with me, to have her so with us, but what…where is she though? Where is she though?

And as I break down, again and let my pain out, I feel her, I hear her, gentle hand on my shoulder, gentle touch, angel’s touch on my brow…she never tells me anything. She is just here. And she loves me, like she loves you.

I feel so human. I miss what she was for him. I miss what she was for me. I miss what we were together. I miss what we created when we overcame the world. I know if this world is nothing like I think and nothing like I’ve been taught, that she is with us. I know that if there was a power that could overcome the reach of mortality, her fierce love would be it…her fierce love would shoot through, would slay, would carry it’s light through tunnels of blackness. I know this about her. I love this about her. I bet you do to and if you don’t know this about her, now you do. Light through darkness. Love through pain.

Her gift to all of us this Christmas was something she wrote in 2018 as she prepared for the battles to come. I share it with you because I want you to know more about her, even though this will surprise no one who loves her, it is for you and you and you and me and you.

After all, what else is a heart for.