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Level Head and Open Heart

I go forth
full of pain and
aware of the fear
lapping at my feet
but I am equipped
I am whole
and accept life
and I walk
and if white caps appear
I breath
and put that tumult
in it’s proper container
the container is heavy
and it’s a burden to carry
but I carry it
it does not carry me
and I go forther
full of pain
and aware of the fear
lapping at my feat
but I am equipped
I am whole
and accept life
and I walk

Each step taken
level and open
is a step in joy
joy is not free of pain
or fear
but, instead, full
of life
and all life has.

and I walk.

The Back of my Heart

There’s something alive
in the back of my heart
it’s dark
and old
and vibrant
in the back of my heart.

I carry it with me
because it is me
but I don’t pay much attention
but my attention
is just a loudspeaker
my attention isn’t me.

The dark place in the back of my heart
holds everything
I haven’t wanted to to spend time with
and placed it gently
in the dark
at the back of my heart.

I don’t know what part of me
picked these things up
and stored them
but maybe someday
I will meet that part
for now
it’s for me to know
that I have this
and I think,
it’s getting full.

I Loved A Dream

I loved a dream
of sunshine and bright
and light
I loved a dream.

I loved a dream
like a child loves life
without knowing
pure in joy
I loved a dream

I wonder what happened
was it simple
as confusion
simple as

Or is there more to it
like why is slavery
the only option
and have we given up
too much

Is our society a monoploy
what are the options
I don’t want to play
nor work
nor toil
at something not my own
nor help
those who want to hurt
nor help
those who want more
than they need

I don’t want to play.

I loved a dream once
it showed me there’s more
it showed me there’s more
the dream I loved
didn’t toil
didn’t struggle
didn’t fit

I loved a dream
it was an explosion
it was possibility
it was infinite
and it didn’t fit
couldn’t fit
wasn’t meant to fit

But still
we try to fit
and we build things to contain
and measure
and fit.

When I loved a dream
it was infinite
it didn’t fit
it was an explosion
it was possibility.

You’ll See

Watch me, please
Look at me, bitch
Listen to me, please
I’m speaking, bitch
you do me?
I’ll show you!
over the top’s got
nothing on me
I’ll make you pay
you’ll pay so hard
you’ll pay until you see me
if you don’t see me
you’ll pay!
oh, you’ll pay.

Had enough of me?
you hear me yet?
you pay your debt?
you hear me yet?
you owe me
don’t you see
it’s so clear to me
you hurt me
you hurt me
you hurt me
you hurt me
you hurt me

You saved me,
now I can see
my vengence is the best I can be
can’t you see,

Oh, you’ll see
Oh, you’ll see
I’m finally free
oh, you’ll see
what I now see,
so clear to me,
how much you owe me.

Oh, you’ll see.

Youth Vaccination

Today I’ll look into someone’s eyes
and be honest.

These wheels keep turnin’ but they’re running out of steam

W. Zevon

We live in a snapshot
memories reach the edge
and then white framing
and then nothing
but we act like the snapshot
is everything.

We commit ourselves
and worse
those we love most
to the frame
and to the game

Can you not see through it?

Do you actually believe your life
is that important?

Do you actually believe that love
can exist in a snapshot?

Well…it can.

It does not come from it
but you can love it
like you love a steak
or a cupcake
or a victory
or nice words someone said to you.

And if you are one of the younger ones
you are being fooled
you are being loved like steak
like cupcakes
and you are being fooled
unless you are not a fool
then you cannot be fooled.

Your parents don’t know what is going on.
If you really want to see…

Look them in the eyes
be honest and watch what happens.

It Doesn’t Have To Be A Mess

I can smell the earth
silence darkened street
my home is separeate
from me
I realize
and that makes me
grateful to be here.

All those that have come
speak of waking up
and I feel it
and I never could have
felt it
without being lost
in this life
to survive
meant to distract
what will happen now
when those
that no longer
want the distraction
make their choice.

Peace will happen
and probably death
but death is irrelevant
in peace.

If you want to know your life
know your death
if you want to come through
to a deeper you
know your death.

Life is so sad
so much loss
and me
like a child
hanging on
to his toys
I hang on
to false beliefs
that I deserve
to be alive.

I do not deserve
to be alive
the level to which
I must descend,
my goodness
and if I descend
and I never am
called back
and never return
then I wake up in
this horror
fighting to make
it all seem right
fighting to make
me seem right.

What a fucking mess.

A Vehicle For Eternity

I just saw it, clear as day, tonight. This feeling, the one, the existential one, the one I never understood and only feared and the one I made mean death or horribleness for the last 25 years. That feeling…it’s just a feeling and it’s the same feeling I felt when this whole existential angsty thing started back when I was a 9 year old, jolted up in the night with my first experience of this feeling. Bolt upright and terrified, I sought out my mom and she gave me advice I’ve resented until just now. She said “It’s growing pains, baby, it’s just growing pains”. And whether she knew what she was talking about or not, she was as right as anything or anyone. It clearly wasn’t the end of the world for me and I clearly did not turn into the ferocious monster that my mind made up I was to make sense of such an immense feeling.

What I see now is my gift. Oooh, and as soon as I see the gift, just one second after, I see the ignorance in me. My own ignorance of my gift, of my depth, of my religion, of my immortality – no – my eternity. I have a vehicle for eternity. I hold it within. We all do. It’s just, I think, that I can actually feel mine. When I’m not stuffing my face with food or drink or in pain from my well used body or working or relaxing or sleeping or jerking off or fantasizing and doing great things, like giving someone a hug or laughing with them or listening to them, that’s right, then I can feel it.

I can also feel it when I smoke marijuana.

And the weight I expect to shed as I turn away and start to walk in myself, with my pain, with my eternity, with it as part of me, well I think it will be significant. I can already feel the weight coming off. What a load to put down.

“I am just a vehicle, transporting a soul, I am just a vehicle, beauty to behold”.

Damian Marley

I have a lot I need to do.

Choices, choices, choices

So much
opportunities abound
if they live up top
they can always be found
and I can shift my shape
to them
and bring you in
and around again
and make them real
and make them grow
I can do anything,
you know.

Life is such a wonderous dance
sometimes you lose
to circumstance and sometimes you
and when you do
you usually lose
but that’s hidden
from view.

I see the answers
I see the way
but to make it so
means I have to play
and to play means
I have to engage
I have to step up
and out of my grave
like some horror film
that brings back the dead
I’ll have to come down
from out of my head.

And if I come down
because it is my choice
everything will be there
and I’ll have my voice
and have all things that I want
to do what I will
while paying the bills
and saving money
for any ole pill.

Or I can stay
perched up above
and loving the fairytale
and dreaming of love
and fantasize my success
in my head
where it’s best
and continue to die
with nothing left.

Don’t Lie

What am I
some type of pussy?

Well what kind of question
will fuck up my digestion
defend from suggestion
and tend my regression
like tending
tomatoes in the garden
until my softness
is ripe
and weak with leaks.

That’s one heck of a question.

Bobbing like a cork
Swimming like a shark

My choice
and also everything in between
but for gods sake
don’t let me bob like a cork
and think I’m swimming
like a shark
In the dark
light of life not brimming
silently sob, I’m no narc
free of gods grace
there is no space for me to be seen
My choice.

But for fucks sake
for gods sake
for jake’s sake

Don’t lie.

The Boy is a Miracle

The boy is a miracle
which means you are a miracle
which means life is working
as it should
at least for you.

I love to see him attack the world
watching him learn about life
it’s months
it takes months, many
to see a difference
to see him go from
the kid who
-of course-
was sure
of his life
his decision
he simply hasn’t enough time in the light
to know any better
so he knows the best way
he knows how
and what a miracle to watch
the world open to him
as he opens himself
at the prompting of the world
sometimes prying
other times carressing
much of the difference
up to the father
what will I make it for him
what will I pry
what will I caress.

That boy is a miracle
and that means you are a miracle.

And what exactly do you do with a miracle
how do you handle a miracle
do you leave a miracle off to school
do you yell at a miracle
do you ignore a miracle
do you punish a miracle
oh eeeks I say
very eeeks
I wish this whole thing could go

Easilier (Ease-a-lee-er).

We laughed, together
I have given him the gift of me
and he has accepted it.

There are other gifts I will come
sacred, that he will reject
as is his human right
and I will be standing
flat footed with everything
I have to offer
and he will turn away
and I will be crushed

And all will be right.

But I have had a gift accepted
and that means our hearts beat
together for always
no matter the rejection
and that’s a lovely
a completely foundational gift.

And I know how I did it.
And it’s like my entire life
was meant for that moment.

Phoebe, MD: Medicine + Poetry


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