The Art Of illness

Back into sanity?

The incentive to feel ill
the incentive to perform
the art of becoming physically ill
the art of becoming mentally ill
we are artists
we are art fans
we are art dealers
dealing in the art
dealing in the art

Inspired by Sadhguru

Baseball Love

I trust in God
I love my country
And will respect its laws
I will play fair
And strive to win
But win or lose
I will always do my best

The Little League Pledge

If the Astro’s have done what people say, it’s much worse than any other scandal in baseball or professional sports, or at least as bad as the worst. This article in the Atlantic is a pretty simple, quick and good summary of what went down and what it means, it’s a good start.

As a youth sports organizer, coach, mentor and father I’ve been feeling lost since this cheating thing has come to the surface. I’m much better now, but only because I’ve seen the painful gift in this experience.

I’ve been feeling lost because, selfishly, I don’t know what to do about my love of Baseball and the love of Major League Baseball. I know that I love the principles of sportsmanship, embodied in the Little League Pledge and fairness, and hard work, and failure and pain. And if I have to make a choice, which is seems is necessary, my choice will be to look to other spaces for the examples of these positive principles. This is the gift, from a very general standpoint.

I won’t watch Major League Baseball, there, I said it.

It’s actually more like, I won’t be able to, I can’t, I’m repusled by what it would mean if I were to pretend the whole cheating thing either didn’t happen or has found Justice. I simply will turn away.

But I won’t give up the fight. And I won’t be lazy in my own internal and external expression of what’s happened, to that, I will defend what I believe is at stake, and when I say defend, what I mean is…Love. I will love the game of baseball even more. I will love it so much that the seeds and nourishment that has been moved, shifted, replanted, far away from home, in the digital hearts and marketing messages and I will return the love of the game to my heart, to the hearts of green fields and dirt basepaths.

I will return the love to the child who swings and swings, and, finally, makes the connection. To the Little Leaguer who’s struggles all season and in that final at bat, has the success he’s so badly fought for. I will return the love to the second baseman who finally makes the catch, to the all-star who runs full out for 4 seconds and catches the ball in a dive. To all the players who dream about hitting the ball, about popping the mitt about bottom of the ninth, 2 on, 2 out. You have the ball.

But I can’t give up on the Major Leagues, not everyone. What happened did not happen because the game lacks anything. The game is perfect. What happened with the Astros is the same thing that happened to the Presidency. We made trades. You. Me. Them. Everyone made trades and we started trading a long time ago.

The Astros (and maybe my beloved RedSox) are an effect of our collective choices. They are stellar and joyous athletes to watch and they are worthy human beings. They are also examples of how to behave in the world, in a big way. And it doesn’t matter if they don’t want to be or don’t agree. They are examples and they can never be anything else. I hope they take this incredible opportunity to access the power and hope and love that comes with taking responsibility.

And, for my very personal sake, I hope they do this so I can continue to watch, continue to cheer, continue to share with my son and with kids from everywhere, my love love of this perfect game.

Love Notes

It’s not you.
It’s me.
Even in my making it you
it’s me.
Even in all of history
and all experience,
it’s me.

I have to support my friends
and your friends,
and I want to.

And I want to do what’s right
which, for me,
is about Justice,
as it is for you.

I would like for you
to come with me
but I would like, first,
for you to be.

You see, even my love notes
are about you.

Oh dear…this is bigger than I thought.

Grey Winter Lamentations

What is a coward

Am I one

I think I am

and then, immediately,

I recognize it.

Can anyone see

oh god, can everyone see.

Must I prostrate myself

at the feat of the heathen

and the most wretched.

What am I to do

with a world that is

indifferent to me

Standing to the side

speaking a language

but I don’t understand

and, no longer, even once,

looking my way.

Intro

It’s eight days until my 50th birthday and I still haven’t given up, not completely. I mean, ultimately, if you were to give up you would stop yourself from living. That’s a different catagory of “giving up” and not what I’m talking about here, obviously, because these are my fingers typing. What I mean is that I still believe that I am bigger than the world. I’m bigger than the trouble and the injustice.

I’m still defining myself first, like a child, rather than settling into what the world wants me to be or says that I am. Don’t get me wrong, I have been a scoundrel and I can still behave like an enormous ass hole but, essentially, I do not believe the world and I think it’s important to not believe the world.

What do I believe in?

I believe in doing what’s right and I believe that unless you believe in doing what’s right, you will never do what’s right and never find out how wrong you were. That’s me. What I think is right, now, isn’t the same as what I thought 10 years ago, 20 years ago. It’s not completely different, the essence is still the same. The essence of Justice, the essence of being a sovereign human before being part of a community, the essence of knowing yourself before judging others, the essence that we are all connected, no matter what and like ocean tides, we move and are filtered together, whether we agree with each other or not. We all move together.

I have some decisions to make. They’re the hardest decisions of my life and the most important, they are not new, maybe repackaged, but not new and they have always been with me to make and I have, for the most part, turned my back on them in favor or what I thought was the easier path of least resistence. This is not easy to accept. I’ve created a structure of my life, dependant on my avoidance of these decisions but I’ve neglected my own structure, stunted it, held it from being strong, while building a house of cards.

Fortunately, in some ways, I haven’t completely ignored my own structure and strength. The world gives you opportunities for strength and I have taken some of those. I have also held values and supported them in the face of a world that is also a house of cards, thus building other strength. But overall – I have not been tested and overall I have failed other tests and overall my own, personal failure, has spread like a contagion and touched all who touch me and all who touch them and out from there.

That is how it works. Nothing is isolated, nothing is alone. If you build strength for yourself, you build it for the world. If you let go for weakness, you let go for the world and inspire weakness.

This is why the world is the way it is today.

I do not want to continue to fail to be who I believe I am and who I believe I can be. I do not like the way that sits with me anymore and my 50 years have given me the gift of hindsight to banish my delusions that there is any thing or person who is responsible for my life before I am.

I am responsible for my life. I am responsible for being exactly where I am this second. I am responsible, only me.

City Life

I’ll take a park bench
city street
almost in the way
the throngs
and Tracey Chapman
goods layered on concrete
smoke and city
swinging children
busy people
concrete jungle
the peace of every day life
dogs in sweaters
delivery trucks
detritus dances
city life
human life
no war.

Mist Lament

I’m made of mist
even as I grasp
my image betrays
my form
but my form
seems so real
as I sit
fingers hurtle
along the keys
bouncing back
and back down
and back again

Mist does not bounce
but I bounce
and them I am gone
apparently
exiting the world
becoming a figment
lost from touch

Is that what I lament
being lost
from touch

When I think of death
and the mist I seem to be
when death
what is it that I lament
when I think of lament
when I feel death

What is it that I lament

It appears that mist laments
or that I am more than mist

Dancing Pixels

In my element
like an elephant
I can’t tellefant
so I yellafant.

There’s not
anything I want
except to sleep
like a quant in deep.

I can feel it coming
because I’ve taken
something
sleep is coming
I can hear the drumming.

Beats like breath
quick on my heal
I don’t mind getting caught
I’m ready to kneel.

The boys on the call
trying their best
Tonight I’m not for it
Tonight I rest.

With my little one
waiting for me
the world stops for this
it’s me for he.

Dancing around
Pixels bounce back
mailer daemon
writing on crack

Type it bump it do
the clickety clack
dancing pixels
dancing back.

The Soldier

I wield my blame
like a sword
and shield
attacking those closest to me
and defending from love
fighting valiently
to keep my pride in place
because it doesn’t feel
like my pride
that I’m fighting for
it feels like my life.

Like a druken soldier
I swing in great arcs
mostly thudding my finish
into the indestructible earth
but not every time,
care lays in my wake
bloodied and torn
amidst the divots of my strikes.

Looking more closely
I see my wounded care
and the wounded relationships
that are in pieces all around me
somehow I make it mean
that I must continue my fervor
and I lift my heavy sword again
tears now
and swing with a strength
that is not human
I know I cut something
but I don’t know what
and I hoist it again
and cut again
love come from behind
and I whirl and fend it off
and then trace the arc
of my blade down and through
and cut that too.
Blood of care and love
pools at my feet,
I sink in
always ready to defend
and attack,
a worn
but safe

Soldier.

My Gift

Hello my love,
the storms have passed
and I am lazing about
enjoying the peace
that always follows
the storm.

I think of you often
my sweetheart,
I carry you in my heart.
It is the coolest thing,
I get to carry you
in my heart.

It’s days like these
restful and lazy
that I invite the soul
to come to the front
and the soul comes
and touches my face.

You are my love
And I am defeated
and this is how I know
because, during these times
of rest and relaxation
I lay the amour
at my feet
and smile for the long embrace
that’s waited
patiently

Your heart in my heart
is the long embrace
and you need not worry for it
or try to make it into something
there is no need,
my sweet boy,
there is no need.

Only for me to tell you
that I live in my heart for you
it is one of the most true joys
of existence
and I have experienced it.

This is my gift,
to you.

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