For What…?

I don’t know how…

I trust that I am not a child
and therefor do not need
for better or for worst
to be treated like a child.

I trust that death is a part of life
and the no matter what I do
I can not avoid death
So there is no reason
no good reason
to hang on to the energy of fear
of death.

No matter how much I want it not to be true
one day my child will die
there is nothing I can do
it breaks my heart into smithereens
but he will die
or I will die
we will leave each other.

We will leave each other
We will leave each other
We will leave each other

This is as automatic
as breath

All that energy spent
so much energy spent
gone, ground away, burned up
pretending I am in control
of these things

I’m so terrified I run for office
I’m so terrified I yell at people
I’m so terrified I judge others
I’m so terrified I’m right

I’m so terrified I can’t put down
being right
I’m so terrified I can’t put down
being right

I wish the world would leave me alone
and soon enough, it will.
I do not wish to tell others what they
should do or shouldn’t do
I do not know
what you should or shouldn’t do

You shouldn’t hit someone in the face who hasn’t hit you in the face.
That’s one.

But other than that – just look at what’s happening
just look at how much fear
was really underneath
so much fear underneath
so much fear underneath
we will give up everything we worked for
we will subscribe to the one with the
most fearful message
fear matching fear
fear exciting fear
fear feeding fear
Weill listen to the most fearful voice
we will give up everything.

And for what?

And for what?


What would Nina Simone think?

I don’t know

But I…
but I…

All this talk
all this “leadership”
the broth is rotten
it’s just there were
more options for broth

I don’t want the broth
never did.

Looks like it might get a little more
to make your own broth.

Better uncomfortable
than dependant
I always say
to myself,
before turning on the hot
water for a shower.

Smile, because you can
a little voice whispers to me.
I love that little voice,
still here
after all these years.
It knows what’s below,
It knows ignorance
It knows slavery
It knows all kinds
of desperation
and violence
and hate.

And yet…
it whispers to me,
as clear as always,
and not rushful
it whispers,
Smile because you can.

And so I do.

You’re Going To Die

Mom, I’m scared.
people are being weird
and not very nice to each other
there’s a lot of yelling and screaming
and there’s a lot of pointing fingers and arguing
people are loud.

Mom, I’m scared
I don’t want to die
I don’t want you to die
do you hear all those people talkin
they’re saying that everyone’s going to die
people are so loud.

I’m scared, mommy
Why are people doing this
being so loud and angry and mean
it’s like there’s a virus but it’s not what they think
I wish they would stop. Don’t they know there’s little kids around
there’s so much yelling.

I don’t know what to do
when faced with the
inevitability of death
and when it comes
and I realize
my last breath has come
I will not be breathing again
I want to be love
It will be terribly sad
I imagine but I want to be love
not fear
And so, when it comes, young one
I will think of you and look unto you
and smile in my whole heart
as I begin my next journey
always to be with you
and always to see you again

and always to see you again.

This Is What’s Going To Happen

You can turn your back.
You don’t think about it
but you can do that,
turn your back.

You see I foget, often
that I’m going to die
and I think I can hang on
I think it’s important to
hang on.

What foolishness.

The ulimate “thing” is life
and it’s not possible to hang on to
so why would I think
I could hang on to anything else.

Amazing delusion

I can’t do anything I say
I have to do something I say
The truth of it
I can really do very little
in relation to my experience
of the world


These things do the opposite
of what I think they do
that’s a real problem
because it means I think I’m getting what I want but I’m really getting what I don’t

and that’s how I live my life
and what’s worse – I feel badly about my own trap
it’s not good enough that
I’ve set this trap for myself
I must feel badly about
getting caught in it
about setting it.

What a life.

So when they come for you
when the tell you that you
can only rely on them
when they tell you that they don’t approve
when they tell you you’re doing it wrong
when they tell you it’s for your own safety
when they tell you it’s help
when they tell you to be afraid
when they tell you to be afraid
when they tell you to be afraid

You can simply know that they’re running out of patience
and that you should definitely believe them
because they’re like you
they think they’re going to get what they want
but they’re going to get something else

And remember, if you can…
you can always
turn your back.

The Hero

He didn’t know he was a little boy
he didn’t know he was screaming
at her to stop
screaming and crying for her to
please stop

Hot face, wet, red, heart, pound, blood
up, sweaty, head on a swivel
back, forth, back, forth
he can’t focus, only pain and fear

There’s nothing he can do.
There’s nothing he can do.

And he doesn’t know this
he thinks if he crys hard enough
yells loud enough
screams loud enough
screams until his throat is torn

He thinks he can change it
He thinks he has to change it
He thinks if he doesn’t change it…

He never thinks,
what if he doesn’t change it
he never thinks this
he’s a young boy
scared and he see’s someone he cares
about being hurt

He’s an innocent boy
he doesn’t want anyone to be hurt
he knows what hurt is
and he can’t bear if others feel hurt
when he see’s it
he tries to be a hero
not because he wants to be a hero
but because he can’t bear it
but he is not a hero
he is an anti-hero

He betrays himself
and hurts
to stop the hurting
and he is thrown
this poor human boy
into the abyss that
he knows nothing about
all he knows is that he
wants to be the hero
but that he is not

And he will hurt
to stop the hurt

The poor, innocent boy.

Maybe I’m Not A Writer

My mind shoots off
I sit down
to work
I’m already over my head
and loving it
for some strange reason
I go ahead
for go everything
love it
leave things
in my wake
do they miss me
I don’t know I miss them
until after
Just the way it is
but I’m feeling hurt
and that’s
Something I pay attention to.
So I write.

What the hell for
to get this goddamn shit out of my head before it explodes into bits and pieces of electricity

Like a rapper who’s lost his way
What. What. Uhhhh. Uhnnn-huhhhh.

It’s like I can’t find
like it’s not there
but I know it’s there,
and if I stay here long enough
I’d find it
but really I just want to tuck in with my kid
and be something solid for him in this big

So maybe I’m not a writer.

Life Works

And the shame comes
because you’re not the person
they wanted you to be

And by “they”, I mean you!

But it’s all same
shame is shame
and it covers
the true
of you.

But the problem with shame’s
like a bus stop in the rain
it keeps you dry
It keeps you from pain
and the pain and the rain
they’re both the same

and they’re the same
as your truth.

In a system of money
you are at the whim
of those that have it
and you are unaware
of the method in which
they have it.

I can see that
I’m an economist.

So what has come…
the inevitable fall of a system
that we think we rely on for survival
and that some actually do.

And the fear of the unknown
without the experience
that we will be ok
that we can be ok
and as we are being ok
some will die
because that’s how life

It is this fear that hurts us
that drives us
that lays
like cream on top
of the soulful
and infite us.
We love the cream
who doesn’t.

But the cream is not us
the cream keeps us
from us.

The cream is the fear
it lays on top of the soul
and we think
life is about cream
and so we never
feel the soul.

Life doesn’t have to work
this way.

The Soul Economy

I’ve seen more people walking

I saw this one guy, today,
one of 5, trailing the others
on the walk,
looking as miserable as miserable
can be.

Out there doing it.
In three more months,
this guy will be as fit
as he’s been in 35 years.

If the pandemic doesn’t kill him
it will save his life.

And isn’t that a great way to look at it!

Where have we heard that before,
what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger…
Of course, being killed, well it ruins
your whole day.

But, if as a result of your death,
you knew people would be made stronger
or die themselves,
what a test!

We must give thanks for the pandemic
and see it with grateful eyes
for waking us up
to what we have forgotten.

What have you, now, remembered
What are you now grateful for
and if you feel nothing now,
wait a bit, maybe you need more time.
But if you never feel grateful,
you will never be grateful,
even in death.

If you are never grateful
you will always be looking
and not realize,
it’s the looking that’s the problem.

The worst thing that could happen,
not because it’s not a good idea
for those who want to save it,
is to go back to jobs.

That would be best for this economy
“they” talk about
but the worst for the economy of the soul.
The soul is finally getting what it always
and only, wants
connection to the earth and to self
and to experience
and peace to enjoy it
and peace to engage the senses
and to function the way I body
needs to function.

We should do what’s best for the Soul Economy.

The Desperation of the Ego

The desperation of the ego
is a funny thing to see
funny like would it be weird
if that monster came to eat me.

Look at me, look at me
please look at me
please don’t pass me by
I’m here, look at me.

We wager all our soul
which sits with patient smile
there’s nothing that’s off limits
there’s no internal guide
except for that ole ego
which with think is really us
and so we feed it and caress it
we even learn to trust
just what it tells us
never we are wrong
always alway always
we sing our righteous song
and when no one comes to listen
finally and absolute
our ego, it keeps looking
for the thing you can’t refute
and anything feels good
any response that you can get
please tell me that you hate me
please let me call you idiot
argue and insult me
so that I can feel alive
and so that I can finally
express myself
while my true self
stays behind.

Oh the desperation of the ego
is such a funny thing
even death next door
now right next door
does nothing against it’s ring.

Don't Touch Me

Everybody wants to rule the world
*small tear on cheek*

Jets and pumps and fleshlectrical bursts
wet on the inside
whatever makes me up
is churning
electric power operating
What the hell is going to happen to me
and what the hell gives me the right
to think about it
and who the hell do I think I am
that I can think about
that I know what I’m thinking about

What the fuck do I know about things.

Now zoom out
leave the blood and muscle
and electric heavyfull feelings
zoom out
bones, skin, hair
and out
to the air surrounding my body
and out
like reverse google maps
and out and out and out
little blue dot
and out and out and out

You just blew my little baby mind.

Don’t fucking touch me.
that’s the bottom line.
Don’t you fucking touch me.

Phoebe, MD: Medicine + Poetry


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