I think I’ve found my coward
he’s been there quite some time
avoiding all perception
wishing on passing time.
It’s strange to feel his strength
it’s strange that he’s so strong
I always thought that he was weak
I never knew that I was wrong.
But there he is, a superhero
taking up all the space
telling me how important he is
telling me to give up the race.
He tells such tales of pain to come
he has such dire warnings
he rings alarms and blares the klaxons
from night until the morning.
He’s been hiding behind his best friend
the one that I call pride
and the two make quite a pair
when you put them side by side.
Pride is more the devil
because he does the devil’s work
he keeps me blind, infects my mind
and plays a trick on my self worth.
But when the pride is busted
and the facade falls to the ground
and you are left stark naked
the coward comes around.
He reminds me of my youth
before I created pride
of a time I was so scared
I just wanted to run and hide.
I was a little boy
so bright and fresh for the day
and all I wanted in my life
was to play and play and play.
I didn’t want to save the world
I didn’t want to stand up tall
I didn’t want to do “the right thing”
or anything at all.
What I wanted was to run and yell
And jump and play and shout
what I wanted was to live in life
having fun without a doubt.
And, I suppose, that’s the best of childhood
to build a foundation out of joy
of living life without the worry
oh, to be a boy.
But that is not how life is.
That is not the way of our society
That is not the way of the adult
Worry is our joy
Punishment is our cult.
And the little boy believes this
he believes what he’s been told
he has nothing else to go against
what his parents say is gold.
And that little boy must face it
in a shocking and dreadful way
he must face the worry and the blame
and do what his parents say.
And when he does, and no one’s trained him.
the little boy, he is not strong,
He’s soft and understanding
when the first hit, it comes along.
And of course he is a coward
even if he strikes back
because fighting back is not the issue
it’s that he was attacked.
It’s that the worlds not safe
the world he thought he knew
he can’t make sense, he doesn’t see
beyond the pain, so new.
So the little boy, he pulls back
not fully, not for now
he’s staggered and now shaded
by the darkness that’s come down.
And more attacks will come
he doesn’t take them on the surface
his little heart gets battered
and he’s introduced to worthless.
And so the boy, without his knowledge
begins to build a wall
he thinks he can protect his heart
and thus begins the fall.
So up it goes, and that’s the pride
just trying to feel safe
the boy was young, decades to come
as he joined the human race.
The wall grew strong
and the coward stood behind it
coward was the boys young hurt
he might not ever find it.
Life’s not static, decisions made
the boys wall is now a fortress
when you turn away from your heart
you turn away from your purpose.
A boys pride knows this but the boy does not
and the pride becomes the purpose
and the world is made by many men
who teach this on the surface.
And the surface becomes the purpose
and the purpose becomes the fortress
and the boys are lost and the men are weak
and pride rules the day on purpose.
But there are times
when the heart does speak
and loud enough to be heard
even if it’s been walled up
even if it’s been ignored.
There are times because it must be
that the walls they start to crumble
or maybe they’re shot down completely
and the man begins to humble.
And when that happens, through the fog
and the rubble of the years
the man can see the coward
through the veil of his young tears.
And the man can see the truth
maybe the first since he’s a boy
the man can see the coward
is just pain that leads back to joy.
Nothing is as it seems
except the pain of being human
everything’s a dream
except the joy that is illumined
And when the walls come down
and the heart is on display
it’s clear the heart is starving
to be with the man today.
So if you one day have
a terrible attack
and walls begin to shatter
facades begin to crack
and you can feel the pain, again
of youth and innocence
and you begin to feel the pain, again
of the original violence
you might see the Coward is me,
my boyish heart, it all makes sense.
He’s a boy
that love was pain
and soul betrayal
not for evil or for bad
but because we are so frail
we know nothing of it
and why should we
when we’ve been taught
that there is so much above it.
Oh my god, my boyish heart
it’s good to see you once again,
I’ll do better,
I know better,
I’ll be a better friend.
Pride has served it’s purpose
now it’s courage time,
maybe courage IS my heart
I think that I was blind.
But my heart it does not punish me
only welcomes me back home
it would sit forever
if I chose, again, to roam
and wear a patient smile
because it knows I’m not alone.
I overheard a conversation between an authority figure and a child today and a lot of how we’re doing this Pandemic thing became clear. You see I’m a child, a child at heart and sometimes a child of the mind and body. I mean, I’m an adult but I’ve worked hard to keep a child like perspective on some things and I’ve worked hard to keep a childish perspective on some things.
On of the things I love about my child like perspecitve is how much joy and beauty I find in life and, how much fun. It’s not always easy but I’ve managed to keep it, strong and youthful, barefooted, sometimes naked, eating with my hands, laying in the grass, being amazed and being sweet.
But I am no child. A child doesn’t have to try to be a child. A child doesn’t have to keep anything alive, at least that’s the hope, because a child is naturally amazed, naturally joyful and present and full of live. Because a child hasn’t been taught, yet, that there are things he or she should fear so deeply that they put their amazement away for cynicism, complaints, misery and conflict (to name a few), like us adults.
So what did I hear today? I heard what is wrong with the world in a single sentence.
What’s the silver lining for you during this Covid-19
That’s is. That was the sentence. And it struck me…why…what causes the need to find a silver lining? Well, a shitty lining, of course. You can’t search for a silver lining if you’re not in the midst of a shitting lining. People who are in the silver lining don’t search for more silver. You have to be unhappy with your current situation if you’re creating the opportunity for a silver lining.
And this is what we, us adults, are doing to and for our kids. We’re assuming, for them, that their lives are shitty and we’re suggesting, based on that assumption, that they try to find something better.
I’m going to come back to to this in a moment, but first I’d ask that you take a moment and think and feel about your kids. Remember their birthday, how that day you became so much more full as a human. Remember how perfect they were (and still are). Remember how you saw and wanted nothing but goodness and love and joy for them in their lives. Can you think of your kids that way?
Now think what you would do and how you would feel if you knew someone was forcing your kids to learn about misery, teaching them how to to focus on negativity, guiding them to disregard their own feelings about life and replace them with feelings of a scared, overwhelmed, stressed out, adult.
What if that adult if you?
Kids are creatures of the present. Everytime we encourage them to abstract we’re encouraging them to get out of the present moment and enter the world of the mind. There is a time and place for this, obviously it’s good if a human learns how to use their mind, but be careful when they are young. Be careful of how you want them to use their mind. Be careful what you feed them, especially if it feels right, to you.
What we do when we assume that our kids are confused and scared and stressed, like us, is that we teach them to be that way. We open up doors to them, we show them how and we are very good teachers, because we’ve been doing it all our lives.
A kid isn’t thinking what we’re thinking. A kid doesn’t understand a global pandemic. A kid isn’t struggling with school being closed…or having more time to play or stay up late, or have less rules or eat more of what they like…A kid is psyched that there’s no more school, and completely pysched about all the other things that come. And stop reading if you’re sensitive, but if your kids isn’t psyched, they’re probably lying or you’ve already embedded your negative assumptions into their fertile little brains.
That’s rough. But you don’t have to keep doing it. And please, don’t keep doing it. Don’t keep leading your child to see the way you see the world, encourage them to be themselves and have enough courage to allow their nurturing gaze and their joy for life, rule, uninhibited and let it wash over your own fear and displeasure. Our children should not learn displeasure from us, they will learn it plenty from the world. You would not want someone to teach your child how to be afraid, especially if they are not, so do not be the someone who teaches fear to children.
Hello my love,
the storms have passed
and I am lazing about
enjoying the peace
that always follows
I think of you often
I carry you in my heart.
It is the coolest thing,
I get to carry you
in my heart.
It’s days like these
restful and lazy
that I invite the soul
to come to the front
and the soul comes
and touches my face.
You are my love
And I am defeated
and this is how I know
because, during these times
of rest and relaxation
I lay the amour
at my feet
and smile for the long embrace
Your heart in my heart
is the long embrace
and you need not worry for it
or try to make it into something
there is no need,
my sweet boy,
there is no need.
Only for me to tell you
that I live in my heart for you
it is one of the most true joys
and I have experienced it.
This is my gift,
Life is so rich
but the cream does not rise
it’s more like digging for gold
actually it’s more like
wiping the steam from the mirror
you have to make an effort
to get to the richness
and the more effort
the more richness,
as far as I can tell.
Because once you make the choice
to wipe the mirror
you will then see more
than what you saw before
and you might not like
what you see
you might want the steam again
you might turn away
you might not believe your eyes.
None of it matters.
Unless you want more.
So you can always come back to that question,
if you are lost.
Do I want more?
My son told me
to my great dismay
that he didn’t really like Trump
and he should go away.
My son is nine
and some would cheer
he’s on their side
oh what a dear.
And those same some
and open doors
And he’s too young
to know about whores.
So he’d walk through
not realizing what
The agreement’s meant.
But every door
and every hug
and every atta-boy
will leave him poor
pull out the rug
we won’t kill the boy.
A nine year old
learns hate from the world
before he learns to understand
A parent’s job
is to temper hate
so that their child, straight, can stand.
So when you face your child’s corruption
meet it with faith and sadness
this is the trial, there’s no other way
unless what you want is madness.
It should be sad, terribly so
but that’s the way it is
without hate there is not strength
to deliver the loving blow.
So you must not meet that certain hate
with certain hate yourself,
you cannot hurt the ones you hate
if what you want is wealth.
If what you want is poverty
then hate and hate away
and give in to that “good” feeling
as you cut and slash away
and teach your child to cut and slash
at those they disagree with
and teach your child
to point their finger
aiming it with your struggle.
So fight you will and fight you must
to overcome the heavy you
you were taught to hate
and now what are you to do
start by asking what’s worth more
your child’s joy
There is a part of me
that only wants to hug
and be hugged
to be warmly and forever
There is a part of me
that basks in the emotional
glow of good feelings
of kind words
of percieved love.
I used to think there was soemthing wrong
with this part of me.
That this part of me
was weak or less or immature.
Now I see that this part of me
And the part of me that is weak,
is the part of me that
It’s the part of me that
pretends that wanting comfort
and acts like a petulant child
when faced with
the desire or fullfilment of comfort
and the strategies of comfort.
Of course we need strategies
if we’re not honest
or mature enough to
accept our normal, human desires.
We need strategies
so we can sneak around ourselves
pretending we don’t see
or don’t know
making up the biggest story
of them all,
That we are somehow compartmentalized
that the filing cabinets of our mind
don’t exist within a greater
context that knows everything
that anything could be separate.
We believe we can hide things from ourselves
we’re like the young child
covering little eyes,
“You can’t see me”.
I lived a happy life.
No matter what people
tried to make me,
I found my moments.
If you’ve ever loved a child,
If you’ve ever loved a child,
you’ve been broken.
If you’ve ever loved a child,
you’ve been reborn.
If you’ve ever loved a child
you feel the disturbance.
It’s so clear, in contrast
to purity of your relationship
to your love of your child.
You have a relationship with love,
the object, your child.
The object of your love
is your child.
The relationship to your love
is yours alone and is
Once you experience the pureness
of your love (for your child),
you can never see the world the same.
The veil is meant to be removed.
Love is meant to reign.
Life does not have to be full
of conflict and war.
You do not have to be full of
conflict and war,
unless you want to.
And this is the disturbance
you become aware as you deepen
into the purity of your relationship
to your love.
You see it everwhere,
the ripples and waves of pride
that have surfaced.
They have surfaced in the world
as they have surfaced in you
and we know have the beautiful choice
to face our hate, face our violence
as we see it for the beacon
of hope that it is.
Hope for transcendence,
hope for love,
hope for peace,
hope for freedom.
Think of your child now
and your love for them
and imagine, now, the part
of you that loves
the purity of that part of you
and of the bond between
you and love,
like coming home
and being home
at the same time.
read the news of the world,
and reveal to yourself
that the news of the world
is the news of yourself.
This is waking up.
This is the path to love.
The disturbance is a gift.
If you’ve ever loved a child,
I said NO to my son
With full meaning
Not for him,
For me and for life,
And so for him.
I didn’t help him
And so I helped him the most.
He only understood the feeling
Of not being helped
He did not understand the lesson
And that doesn’t matter
Because I did
And that’s my job
His job is to be upset
And to not understand
My job is to say no because
I love myself
And want to teach him
How that exists.
And so I feel the pain
I feel the pain of my son
Feeling his pain
Feeling un helped
I feel the pain of my own
I feel the pain of his pain
And I do nothing
To relieve it
But also I do nothing
To make it greater
I am there with him
And I am not deterred
From the lesson by his pain
And I am, while all of this
The loudest voices
hit all the spots
is what they’ve got.
Scream and whine and yell and point
so loud, like feedback, a knob turned to high
Looking for weakness to annoint
kill them, let all the bullets fly
Voices demanding to be heard
as if the volume was not absurd
voices stealing tranquility
disguised as freedom and safety.
Like baby children they scream
at night and light the sacrificial night
their only concern is their might
their only desire is to be right
And no one told them how else do it
no one showed another way
the parents really, really blew it
There’s simply nothing else to say.
What do you want to do, anyway
now that you’ve had some time to think.
Now that you’re decades into this thing called life
and sitting here in a blink.
The youth movement is treachery to the soul,
whether by design or by impulse
older humans who’ve died inside
look for anything to take control.
And put it all on the children
like leaving them out in the cold
ill equipped in mind and matter
to survive in a world that is so cold.
But nonetheless it’s what we do
and who can even say it’s bad,
Sure I rant and rave about it
and when I feel, I feel sad.
But who’s to say and who’s to know
if the sins of the parents
are an inevitable flow
vital to the way we grow.
We don’t want what’s best
because we don’t know what’s best
and if we did, well, we’d be god
and then there wouldn’t be a problem
there’d be no such thing as fraud.
And yet we still breath and still survive
and feel love for our family pride
and our children are the apples of our eye
and mostly we just want to cry
but we don’t and we don’t know why
it would be so bad to cry,
not to pass the time
or just get by
but to connect with the deeper why
and the pain of letting it all go by
before we knew it,
in the blink of an eye.
Ok, ok, don’t freak! (Ladies)
But really I find this to be true in general. It could mean that I’m not a good guy but if that’s true, well then, I guess I’m no worse off then I’ve ever been, so here goes…
Men and women are different, if you haven’t heard. I think the difference between the male and female is the ultimate difference, there’s nothing that’s more different than that difference.
You can interpret that difference in two ways. The first way is to feel hopeless and afraid that you’re not enough or that someone has something that you can’t or don’t have, to come at it as if you’re a beggar and need something from someone else to be ok. The second way is to see it as an opportunity to discover lands that are as unexplored to you as the universe, to become an explorer, an adventurer and realize that right here on this earth we are each guides for the others to become tourists and citizens of ourselves.
When you hear that the difference between male and female is the ultimate difference in existence, do you look at that from fear or love?
This is from love.
Good men do not agree with women, in general. This is a philosophical argument so if you want to argue with all the instances where that statement isn’t true you might be frustrated with this, but if you take it as a thought and emotional experiment it might have some value, I think it does.
The way it works, for me, is that it’s a struggle. Constant struggle of not understanding how women work, why the work, what they’re talking about, why they’re talking about and what the hell to do about any of that. I simply do not understand. But I love women. I love my my wife. I love my female friends, in spite of and in some ways because of my lack of understanding of them and their motivations. Somehow it still works and it’s taken me all of my life so far to get to the point where I have begun to accept that I have not the first idea about what really goes on in a females head beyond brilliant colors and explosions of chaos, thoughts and feelings a million times per minute.
Generally I do not agree with women. The men I talk to, do not generally agree with women. It’s not in our foundation to agree with women. Fundamentally it’s important that we don’t agree with women. What males have, typically called Masculinity, is sacred, precious and completely unique. What females have, Femininity, is sacred, precious and completely unique.
***This next part is for women and men who can look at things from love and not fear. If you read it from a fear based place you will feel defensive and miserable. If you read if from a love based place…well…try it***
The problem with the current dialogue, #Me Too, Toxic Masculinity and the current blame culture is that a lot of males are agreeing with women. What’s the problem with that? The problem is that by those males agreeing with women it obscures the responsibility of the males who are agreeing. Let me put this another way…
FEMALES, you are not wrong! Not at all. It’s always time to be more caring, gentle, strong, peaceful and compassionate. No humans, ideally, should be subject to might is right violence and abuse. If anyone is getting beat up, emotionally, physically or thought wise, they should speak up and try to fix it and dare I say, be supported. But that doesn’t mean that it’s right or even positive for men to agree with the way you’re going about trying to bring your experiences into the world.
A good man will disagree with a woman and NOT act like a heathen or a barbarian. A good man will hear a woman, judge for himself and adjust his behavior appropriately, if need be, and he will determine the need. A good man, if he succumbs to violence, as every human being, male and female has done at some point and most will continue to do despite their best efforts, until they die, will address the violence, make it right, if he can and work on himself to strengthen himself against it. But a good man does not agree with a woman.
So we arrive back at #Me Too and Toxic Masculinity, back to one side of the struggle which is justified and right and good; let’s raise awareness about violence against women so that we can better address it and work to stop it. Women are right to feel this way but they feel this way because they’re women, because they have a unique, sacred experience of the world.
The toxic message here is coming from Men. Let me be clear that men are not toxic and masculinity is not toxic and there is nothing real called toxic masculinity but the message…the message that there is something real called toxic masculinity and that “men” agree with that, that is what’s toxic.
This is how males are avoiding their responsibility for positively contributing to a solution that women are so clearly bringing up, do you see women? Do you see that by males agreeing with your process of blame and finger pointing (which may not be preferable or generally good but is, none-the-less true from your perspective) they don’t have to look inward at their own behavior. They’ve created a straw man on which to put all of their personal vulnerability, weakness, pride and violence. If there’s such a thing as toxic masculinity, well then, I can’t really help it.
Unfortunately (in this specific scenario) females have a generally forgiving and accepting nature and accept that from men. You females accept that men agreeing with your process means they’re on your team, on your side. I’m hear to tell you that they’re not. They’re not on your side at all. The men that agree with you on the process of #Me Too and Toxic Masculinity are not on your side, they are on their own side. They are opportunistic, just like Gillette is opportunistic. Is that what you want for your partner? Is that how you want your husband to act? Is that they type of behavior you want to teach your son or daughter? To be opportunistic, to seek the shallow, cowardly space of agreement rather than to seek the truth of disagreement and peace! That’s right…disagreement AND peace. It’s much harder but it’s what’s necessary if we want to really evolve as a species together.
We have different universes inside us, males and females. We can either be beggars or explorers. Right now the women are right, it’s time to stand up and out and be men. And that means not agreeing with the current bullshit trends AND working to address the issues that women, in their way, are putting out there in the world.