I just saw it, clear as day, tonight. This feeling, the one, the existential one, the one I never understood and only feared and the one I made mean death or horribleness for the last 25 years. That feeling…it’s just a feeling and it’s the same feeling I felt when this whole existential angsty thing started back when I was a 9 year old, jolted up in the night with my first experience of this feeling. Bolt upright and terrified, I sought out my mom and she gave me advice I’ve resented until just now. She said “It’s growing pains, baby, it’s just growing pains”. And whether she knew what she was talking about or not, she was as right as anything or anyone. It clearly wasn’t the end of the world for me and I clearly did not turn into the ferocious monster that my mind made up I was to make sense of such an immense feeling.

What I see now is my gift. Oooh, and as soon as I see the gift, just one second after, I see the ignorance in me. My own ignorance of my gift, of my depth, of my religion, of my immortality – no – my eternity. I have a vehicle for eternity. I hold it within. We all do. It’s just, I think, that I can actually feel mine. When I’m not stuffing my face with food or drink or in pain from my well used body or working or relaxing or sleeping or jerking off or fantasizing and doing great things, like giving someone a hug or laughing with them or listening to them, that’s right, then I can feel it.

I can also feel it when I smoke marijuana.

And the weight I expect to shed as I turn away and start to walk in myself, with my pain, with my eternity, with it as part of me, well I think it will be significant. I can already feel the weight coming off. What a load to put down.

“I am just a vehicle, transporting a soul, I am just a vehicle, beauty to behold”.

Damian Marley

I have a lot I need to do.