The First Gift Is Not What You Think

The old feeling was new once

The first time it kicked down the door

It came for me, I turned my back

And huddled on the floor.

Imagine now, I was that feeling

That came bursting through the door

That was me saying hello

Introducing me to more.

I can say this now because I’ve grown

Seen 50 spins around the sun

Even if I remained indignant

There is wisdom that’s been won.

And I can say that nothing’s happened

From that bursting feeling

I was sure it had come to hurt me

And leave me broke and reeling.

And I was sure for 40 years

Avoiding at all costs

That bursting feeling from my youth

And so remained, eternally lost.

So what a revelation

and contrary to the truth

When I realized now at 50

How misbelieved my youth

And how much I set my table

Based on fantasy and fear

And how much I craved for safety

For years and years and years.

And again this feeling comes to me

But this time something’s changed

I recognize it for what it is

And that it’s not connected to any pain.

And then I realize my mistake

I’ve created all the pain

It was never meant to haunt or hurt

This bursting feeling come again.

My whole world becomes refrained

Because I’m not the same

I’m greater than the feeling

It was never meant for pain.

It was meant for love and exploration

As a map and as a muse

As a gift from humanity

To use just how I choose.

And so today I choose differently

And open windows to sun and wind

That have been closed for so long

For fear of letting in

Or letting out these monsters

That I made up in my head.

And so as surely as I created them

But with the grace of thanks

I bid farewell, they are not there

I stand up and leave the ranks.