The First Gift Is Not What You Think
The old feeling was new once
The first time it kicked down the door
It came for me, I turned my back
And huddled on the floor.
Imagine now, I was that feeling
That came bursting through the door
That was me saying hello
Introducing me to more.
I can say this now because I’ve grown
Seen 50 spins around the sun
Even if I remained indignant
There is wisdom that’s been won.
And I can say that nothing’s happened
From that bursting feeling
I was sure it had come to hurt me
And leave me broke and reeling.
And I was sure for 40 years
Avoiding at all costs
That bursting feeling from my youth
And so remained, eternally lost.
So what a revelation
and contrary to the truth
When I realized now at 50
How misbelieved my youth
And how much I set my table
Based on fantasy and fear
And how much I craved for safety
For years and years and years.
And again this feeling comes to me
But this time something’s changed
I recognize it for what it is
And that it’s not connected to any pain.
And then I realize my mistake
I’ve created all the pain
It was never meant to haunt or hurt
This bursting feeling come again.
My whole world becomes refrained
Because I’m not the same
I’m greater than the feeling
It was never meant for pain.
It was meant for love and exploration
As a map and as a muse
As a gift from humanity
To use just how I choose.
And so today I choose differently
And open windows to sun and wind
That have been closed for so long
For fear of letting in
Or letting out these monsters
That I made up in my head.
And so as surely as I created them
But with the grace of thanks
I bid farewell, they are not there
I stand up and leave the ranks.