A Terrible Mistake…

Have I made a terrible mistake?

It’s possible.

And so I write now to examine it. I write as Damon Brink. I write in acceptance of who I am and what I have done and I write to examine and hunt for both the truth and the good. It’s possible I will find neither and I write with that fore-knowledge.

One thing is certain. I am not as good and as noble as I think I am, as I pretend to be, as I wish others to be. I have my share of misery, deep and often as seductive as a whore. I complain inwardly, I suffer, I blame and I seek to make others responsible for my own pain. 

I use anger like a weapon and I wield it with a skill born of 50 years of training and indoctrination. I take advantage of my privilege, often without giving back. 

I hurt the ones that are closest to me, that I love the most, purely out of an unwillingness and incapacity to look at and change my own perception. I am selfish, indulgent, petty, violent and prideful.

It’s not looking good. 

So what, then, is the point?

The point is, simply, that I am a human being, like you are a human being. We are not different species. And on this day, the day, eleven years ago, that I became a father, I realized something that I have since put away and then hid away. I realized as I looked into the eyes of my son, as I felt his helpless body and heard his first cry, as I stood in awe of the strength of the woman who had born him out and the wisdom of the women who assisted her, as I played a helpless and most fortunate observer to the process of life, I realized how far our world had drifted from our own hearts and our own love. As I experienced the birth of my son, I realized that every father had, at one time, had the thought “how can violence exist” in the face of this.

How can such violence exist in the face of my newly born child?

I had the thought that fatherhood could help save world, if it only could be held onto. 

I saw a world, enflamed and protected by the love of the father. 

And I have failed.

I have failed to keep my truth burning. I have failed to lead with the flame of pure love. I have given up and given in to the world around me and to the world inside of me. 

I have failed.

What have I chosen instead of the flame? What have I chosen instead of the truth? What have I chosen instead of the good?  I have chosen culture. I have chosen society. I have chosen emotional blankness. I have chosen comfort. I have chosen popularity. I have chosen righteousness. I have chosen obligation. I have chosen fear. 

I have chosen to remain quite while all around me fools plan for impossibility. I have been a fool. 

But No More.

No. Fucking. More.

Which brings me to my second point. Fuck You. I’m coming for you. I’m coming for the cowards. I’m coming for the fools. I’m coming for the righteous, I’m coming for the rules. I’m coming now and bringing myself, who’s been so slow and long away, I’m coming now, invite me in, you’ve had so much to say. I’m coming for all you liars, cheats and bores…and guess what you mutha fuckers, I’m teaming with the whores!

So get your violence ready

Because that’s all that you have left

and really it’s all you’ve ever had

since early on 

you came bereft

And the beauty of it all

is that I don’t even have to come

there’s no escape for you

no matter what

you’ve laid the table

what’s done is done is done

But life cares not

how you feel

or how you can convince

life doesn’t care if 

people agree with you

or if there’s no dissent

Life doesn’t care

that you have the law

doesn’t care that you are right

doesn’t care if you are mighty

what you have coming

is the night

and what you have coming

is the blight

and what you have created

for your families

is only, purely, fright.

I used to speak with honour

I used to care a lot

but I don’t hang 

and I don’t agree

with the folks

who run that lot.

So if you are a coward,

which you surely are,

There’s no escape from me

and I can only hope you dare.

And as you read this

and run in fear

and start to stutter, shake and stare

just know that I am waiting

to hear what you will share

and know that what you’re sharing

is for everyone and all time

and feel the weight of all the eyes

and all the hearts and minds

as you write and say your 

petty words

all wrapped up behind false names

you’re shining dull

for all the world

and I’ll kill you with my rhymes.

I’m coming for you

you fearful thots

and useless idiots

your day is over

hope you enjoyed it

but I know

that you did not.

Ok. So there’s that. Yes, i failed and I have failed to be the father that saw true love and true peace and true brotherhood, but I’m getting back up and dusting myself off. Come at me bro!

Part 1.