Part 6 – Don’t Want Hate

I left ESP and NXIVM before the shit really hit the fan. ESP was the best thing I had ever done up to that point, for myself and my family but it had also run it course in it’s current iteration. There was plenty of human disfunction going on and when that was rolled up in the depth of the vision and the mission it became clear to me that I needed some space and time away from the organization. I’d basically had enough of the hypocrissy and I think the hypocrissy had had enough of me. I don’t know if I was like others in this respect but I really hurt the mission by thinking that my knowledge and what I had learned in ESP was enough. I put other aspects of my life on hold, which isn’t bad, but I felt so good and inspired about what I had learned (this occured over about 10 years) that I thought it was enough. I thought I could just take the knowledge and kind of bask in it’s awe without carrying the heavy weight of the responsibility. There was and is great responsibility in what we learned in ESP, SOP, JNESS and all the rest. Tremendous responsbility that I failed to uphold then. I knew this while in ESP but it was covered by all sorts of feelings, thoughts and emotions and it was only after the shit hitting and after a lot of soul searching that it became a clear part of how I let people down and how I let myself down and how I contributed to the shit.

Keith is not innocent. Nor is anyone. ESP in some very consistent ways, was a shitshow. Keith is also not guilty and ESP (NXIVM) is not a criminal organization or a sex cult as it’s been portrayed. But for me the fuckery within ESP needs to be out, to serve the process, to make the process clear. Justice, truth … these things are principles. They appply across the board, they are the great equalizers and when one aspect is kept from their light, all aspects are darkened.

People didn’t get paid. Fuck man. It was a complete joke and a complete travesty of the the mission and the core values of ESP (as I read them). I’m not sure anyone who had any role in ESP beyond just attending the classes would disagree with me. It was well known, and it was an experience that the most dedicated (is that the right word) people had, they were the ones doing most of the work. It was also a choice to continue to work. It was no secret and became apparent very quickly that the pay was not straight forward and that there were many times you didn’t get paid what you thought or agreed to, contracts were broken and/or you had to invest inordinate amounts of time tracking down payment for work you did. It was a joke and completely sucked. It was also a choice that every single person continued to make, until they didn’t. And many eventually decided to simply stop and leave. I decided to stop and leave.

This needs to be part of the dialogue, it needs to be part of the story of NXIVM and Keith Raniere. I don’t think Keith should be in jail based on what I know and I know a lot more than most. What’s fucked up is that we may never know, because of the way everything went down and because of the tremendous criminal behavior by the US Government, the FBI and the prosecution. But that’s nothing new, right? Criminal behavior by the US Governement, FBI and prosecutors is nothing new? Right? It’s just that NXIVM and Keith came under their magnifying glass, a glass that’s been passing over people and organization for all time. If you’re doing the “wrong” thing, that magnifying glass will come for you and it came for NXIVM. Why?

Why did it come?

It came because people wanted it come. It came because people felt hurt, angry, betrayed and scared. It came because other people didn’t recognize this. Let me say this more clearly…The true corruption in the world, the corruption we need to be worried about lies at the top of the power structure. This doesn’t excuse bad behavior or violence on any level but there are so many people who think the worst is the best. In the case of NXIVM people got themselves so worked up they thought the FBI and the Government and the media were the best options. They engaged their options. I don’t think they understood the depth of depravity in those options and it wasn’t long before the options took over. The power structure seeks to keep itself in power, that is it’s only objective and anything that lies outside of that operating system is a virus to be destroyed. The further from from the path of “power keeping power” you lie, the more virulent you are considered and the quicker you must be exterminated.

And so we have the trial of Keith Raniere, another jewel in the crown of “power keeping power”. A crown that is full of sick jewels of corruption and violence. A travesty of Justice.

PTSD moment…

Yes…a travesty of Justice can exist at the same time as bad things happening. A travesty of Justice, such as the NXIVM case in general can occur, did occur and continues to occur, while at the same time a reality exists where NXIVM was a fucked up organization at times, people behaved badly and without care at times. These things are true and for the people who were inside, they need to be addressed and dealt with before any type of unification, forgiveness, reconcilliation can happen. I hope this happens. However there is a bigger monster and that is the power structure that exists, is corrupt and has deep roots into our culture and society and is currently and has always destroyed lives in it’s process.

So yes, fucked up shit went down in ESP and it should be addressed.
So yes, the travesty of Justice train continues to roll in the NXIVM case perpetrated by the media, FBI, and the governement.
And, yes…it’s up to you to do something about it.

Read, share, respond, contribute, participate, inspire.

Don’t. Want. Hate.

Tags: , ,

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

My Serene Words

Seeking Solace in the Horizon & Beyond


Wellness • Poetry • Life

The Wild Heart of Life

Creative Nonfiction & Poetry

Wild Like the Flowers

Rhymes and Reasons

Inner Peace

True wealth is the wealth of the soul

Subdued Flamboyance

Poetry by Dr. Abhinav Majumder

Life...Take 2!

I hope that someone sees this page and decides not to give up.



Climbing, Outdoors, Life!

Be Inspired..!!

Listen to your inner has all the answers..


Because we’re all recovering from something.

Elan Mudrow


Bitter Gertrude

Blogging about Culture, Equity, and the Arts since 2013


Critical Dharma for Thinking Minds /Milk Tea Alliance

Random Stories & Beyond

by Yashasvi Shailly

Dirty Sci-Fi Buddha

Musings and books from a grunty overthinker

Josep Goded

Seeking Truth

Happily Lover

Happily Ever After


:to put to death (as by hanging) by mob action without legal approval or permission

%d bloggers like this: