I’ve been having re-occuring dreams lately. It’s been a while since this has happened, the last time was more than 20 years ago. It’s a wave. A tidal wave. A movie tidal wave, you know like the animated waves in real person movies, the ones that tower over the the skyline of the world’s greatest cities. The ones created to inspire that final feeling that there is no hope. After all what good would a tidal wave movie be if the wave wasn’t taller than the skyline.
It’s been at least twice now.
The wave comes, I’m in a city. At first it’s not apparent and then as it becomes apparent the terror builds. Terror at the finality of it. Terror at the sublime nature of the destruction. Destruction that I have created in my mind as I seek to fit patterns together and make sense of the world I see. The interesting thing is that, even in my dream, I feel as if there is no hope, I feel the terror of there being no escape, even as the wave remains far off. I can tell it’s going to consume everything, and yet it hasn’t consumed a thing and yet, I have made it final in my mind.
This starts the process of a frantic running about, my mind is active in my dreams trying to figure out a way to avoid the inevitable and in this there is a subtlety, the subtlety of my dream mind inside of my waking mind. My waking mind is “asleep” as I am asleep. My dream mind is awake and churning inside of my asleep mind. And so all I can determine from this is that this is a mind dream. No less, there I am, running about, not realizing I’m garnering my motivation from the sense of hope and usefulness that my dream mind is contemplating. Like in waking life, I get such comfort from my brain searching for and coming up with solutions.
The dream is no different. As the wave approaches I know that destruction is assured, in my dream this is the purpose. I know this is the purpose because this is what’s in my dream. Hopelessness and assured destruction. And for the second time…I wake. And this time I write.